


The Universe Hates Me

by witchesandragons



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Soulmate AU, this isn't a songfic I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-23 14:54:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9662222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchesandragons/pseuds/witchesandragons
Summary: Regina just wanted to study in peace. She sure as hell didn't ask for a singer to be her soulmate.OR: AU where you sing when your soulmate does.





	

**Author's Note:**

> There is no plot here. It's just a silly soulmate AU because why not.
> 
> All mistakes are mine! 
> 
> (Thank you for all the help, @FujinoLover!).

When it finally happened, Regina was twenty-one and in the middle of an important Latin American Economy lecture. It started with a low music in her head. She tried to snap out of it and to focus on class, but it progressed into humming and her throat burned. She tried to hold it in. The music got louder. She heard the guitar and she panicked.

She got up fast, attracting people’s attention; Kathryn and Marian shared a confused look while Regina tried to leave the full auditorium. It hurt to hold it in, but the professor was speaking, the table containing GDP throughout the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s and ‘20s lost all meaning to her teary eyes. Her entire body shook before she could leave and it happened, she opened her mouth and sang.

It happened quite often. People would randomly sing at the most inconvenient times, but the problem, Regina noticed very early, was that she was a terrible singer. She couldn’t hold a note to save her life (so different from Zelena who loved to sing all the time to make sure her soulmate knew all her favorite songs). She tried when she was a child, but it only earned her laughs, so she avoided it.

Most people had their First Song when they were twenty, but when nothing happened for a long time, Regina ignored it. She had been fearful of this day for ages and it just had to happen during the CEPAL lecture where an actual CEPAL member was speaking. The entire class turned to her and the two professors didn’t seem annoyed, more like amused. Her voice cracked and she ran as fast as she could. She would apologize later, but right now, she needed to run somewhere she could be alone.

She kept singing during her run and it attracted people’s attention. She was embarrassed (bad singers were more common than good singers, but it didn’t stop the heat on her face nor her desire to dig a hole and hide there forever). Suddenly, she stopped singing. She was so relieved, but then it started again and she went running to her dorm while hating her so called soulmate more than anything.

Marian and Kathryn found her inside the bathroom, hugging her knees and feeling like she just left a big show.

“I think my soulmate is a singer.”

She felt like crying.

*

What happens is: On a certain age, the person and her soulmate would sing together. When one started, the other sang as well. It could happen anywhere, with anyone, in the middle of anything, so it was very common and Regina Mills _hated_ it.

The Latin American Economy lecture wasn’t the only time her soulmate disturbed her studies. She tried to watch a dense lecture about development theories while singing the entire Hamilton musical and tried to analyze data to run a regression while singing the same song over and over (her asshole soulmate was probably trying to adapt to a new song and Regina was going insane). 

“Why don’t you sing as well?” asked Zelena while they were having their weekly lunch. “I mean, wake up one day around 3 am and sing. Make them pay!”

“I don’t even know if we are in the same time zone.”

“Sing 3 am one day and 3 pm the other day. Piss them off every day. _Makeee theeem pay!”_

Regina smirked. “Am I petty enough to do it?”

“We’re Mills, pettiness is in our blood.”

They laughed, earning curious glances from the other customers.

“What about you?” asked Regina. “How’s it going?”

“Nothing so far. The last time I felt it was last week and it was a jingle.”

“Did you try to find it online?”

“I tried, but apparently it’s from an old commercial that was brought back by facebook, so it could be anyone with a facebook.”

Regina snorted, but Zelena seemed upset.

“I mean, what kind of person doesn’t sing? Like, nothing? Not even while driving or showering or running or even watching a kid’s movie?!” whined Zelena.

“Can we exchange soulmates?” asked Regina with a big smile. “I would do anything for a soulmate who lets me study.”

“I would do anything for a soulmate who sings at inappropriate times.”

They sighed.

“Mother knows?” asked Zelena. She doubted Cora sang and she doubted even more than she would accept a singer in their family.

“She won’t ever know.”

“Ever?” Zelena raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, ever. She can’t know. Ever.”

“She’ll have to accept.”

“She won’t. If everything works out, you’ll meet your soulmate first and she will forget about mine.”

“What about our monthly dinner? What if you sing there?”

“I’ll think of something, but she can’t know, ok?”

Zelena nodded, but she said clearly that it wouldn’t work. Regina knew it, but it felt good to fool herself like that.

The waitress approached them and Zelena asked her for more tea.

“What about you, miss?”

Regina was going to order dessert, but what left her mouth was:

“ _One careless word, you lose your life. A grave new world awaits inside_ _¹—_ ” She stopped and cringed. The waitress’ smile widened and Zelena laughed out loud.

“You’re the worst singer ever.”

She kicked Zelena under the table and apologized to the waitress. “I know I don't sing well, ok? Apparently, my soulmate is a singer and the universe hates me.”

The waitress laughed and guaranteed her that it was okay.

“The bright side is,” said Zelena with a smirk, “they have a good taste in music.”

Regina just kicked her again.

*

Regina, Marian, and Kathryn were discussing Bielschowsky’s review on CEPAL’s fifty years of history when she blurted out: “ _Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well²_ —We have to compare it to Thirlwall’s Balance of Payments Constrained Growth Model?”

Kat and Marian looked at each and sang.

“ _My chain hits my chest. When I'm banging on the dashboard!”²_

Her friends, fortunately, had gotten used to her singing. They could ignore the senseless songs, but occasionally they would know it and sing it as well.  
Regina glared at them.

“I hate you.”

They laughed.

“Sorry, but it’s funny! Last night I was pretty sure you were singing ACDC, now you’re singing MIA. What’s next?” said Kat, smirking.

She glared at them again.

Marian continued. “Besides Hamilton and now MIA, which is probably just to annoy someone or something like that, I also heard you singing Metallica and Iron Maiden.”

“What’s your point?”

“Your soulmate probably doesn’t like pop music. Can you imagine being an aspiring metal band and the lead suddenly sings Madonna?”

At that moment, Regina promised never cross Marian in her life. They started to sing “Like a Virgin”³ and laughed together.

“Now, Thirwall and CEPAL, anyone?”

“Yes,” said Kathryn, stretching. “Center-periphery model, right?”

“Yes,” said Regina looking at her notes. “The Thirwall’s model says that the balance of payments can limit the development, so the growth rate of the national income is the ratio between the growth rate of its exports and the income elasticity of its demand for imports. The center-periphery model says that developing countries suffer more with a balance of payment imbalance because of the products they import. Is that it?”

Marian opened the book searching for the Thirwall’s law equation when Regina cleared her throat and, _“I wanna fuck you like an animal!_ ”⁴ and quickly covered her mouth with her hands.

Kat and Marian raised their eyebrows.

“Britney Spears, please?” said Marian smirked. 

Kat immediately took her phone out and they sang. The answer came six minutes later with a guttural⁵ that made Regina’s throat ache.

“It’s war.”

*

Their “war” continued and the inappropriate times got worse. During her presentation about International Politics, she sang: “ _'Cause the walls start shaking, the earth was quaking, my mind was aching and we were making it and you shook me all night long!”⁶_

The professor laughed.

“Your soulmate sure enjoys singing, huh?”

Regina bowed her head and nodded.

“I don’t know who they are, but I hate them.”

The war continued for two more weeks. She sang in many different moments, like in an exam, in a packed bus, during her morning walk, while trying to order her coffee (Ruby had the most annoying smile ever while she whispered Slayer under her breath). But she was just as inconvenient. She would sing silly things like a jingle or “ _Barbie Girl”_ ⁷or some Disney song and she swore she could feel her soulmate‘s frustration (but when she sang Calle 13, Audry Funk, Rebeca Lane or Jezzy P. because she completely forgot about her soulmate, she didn't feel that same frustration then).

*

It was 3 am when she woke up. With bleary eyes, she went to the bathroom and sang. In the middle of the Katy Perry song, she stopped and closed her eyes. She felt the song slowly, but she smiled when she recognized the music.

“ _There's no one quite like you, You push all my buttons down_.” She continued with a smile. “ _At the same time, I wanna hug you I wanna wrap my hands around your neck, You're an asshole.” She chuckled. “And you make me so mad I ask myself, Why I'm still here, or where could I go._ ”⁸ 

She hummed for a while before deciding to return to her bed. She went to sleep with a silly smile on her face.

*

It started around three weeks ago, but Regina didn’t know anyone who was a fan of the band, so how could she know about the rising band whose leader was seen singing awful jingles and “Barbie Girl’ in the middle of rehearsals? Or how there was a new edition of youtube video called “soulmates sucks: awesome singers THIS MONTH EDITION” that showed many singers in crowded shows suddenly singing weird songs and the new edition showed an interview where this young rising star had to stop answering a question because she was singing “ _The Lion Sleeps Tonight_ ”.⁹

Ruby was the one who saw it and showed it to everyone she knew. Regina saw it before her class and she laughed, coincidentally, she had sung “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” to Marian’s baby that week, he was the only one who didn’t cringe while she was singing, he merely laughed—to be fair, Roland laughed at everything. She didn’t think much of the video at all.

It was a Wednesday and Regina was trying to study at Granny’s, enjoying the few hours the place was empty, but it was impossible because she was singing—a lot. Singing and singing songs she didn’t know at all. When it became persistent, she googled the words until she got on a lyrics site and saw the band: “The Queens of Darkness”.  
The drummer was a black woman with long blonde hair. The guitarist was a tall and pale woman with short hair, half white and half black and the vocalist was a blonde woman with blue eyes. She researched deeper and found the video of the interview. The blonde started to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” Tuesday, exactly at 7:15 pm. It matched the time she was taking care of Roland, but she didn’t pay much attention to it. Regina merely rolled her eyes at the comments of hundreds of people claiming to be singing that same song at that exact time.

The singing continued and Regina took a deep breath, accepting her fate. Maybe her soulmate was a really, really big fan of this band. She shrugged and tried to google more silly things online, it wasn’t like she could go back to her revision. She was waiting for a video to load when she noticed Mulan talking to Ruby about something. She watched until Mulan stopped, coughed and sang in horrible tune “ _Single Ladies_ ”¹¹. The three women exchanged looks. Ruby was holding her laugher while Regina wanted to sit down with her and bond over how much they hated their soulmates (they shared sympathetic looks in their shared class every time one of them started to sing), but poor Mulan was mortified and quickly took off. 

She was still singing when Ruby asked if she wanted a refill and she nodded.

  
“You know what?” said Ruby. “Maybe they are on a show.”

“At 3 pm?” She managed to get out before singing again.

“You’re right.” She sighed.

Regina nodded and Ruby left her. Mulan returned a few minutes later, looked around with suspicion and sat down at a distant table. Regina just looked at her with confusion and she wanted to ask what was wrong, but Zelena suddenly got in and went straight to Regina's table. Regina breathed in relief when the songs stopped.

“I’m exhausted,” she said to her sister.

“I’m sorry for you, but I sang my entire life and no soulmate for me.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“I got so angry that when Single Ladies played, I almost danced in the middle of the campus.”

“Again, annoying.”

Zelena was going to answer, but she shivered and started to sing.

_“Wǒ de hǎo māma, Xiàbān huí dào jiā, Láodòng le yì tiān.” ¹²_

Regina’s eyes widened and Zelena just stared at her without blinking.

“What did I just sing?”

“I believe it was Chinese.”

“What?!”

Regina blinked. She was going to say something, but the song started again and she lost her line of thought. She didn’t even notice Mulan running out of the diner as fast as her legs could take her.

“Chinese!” said Zelena. “Oh my god, mother will kill us.”

Regina simply nodded. They were both dead.

*

Regina got used to listening to the “Queens of Darkness”. It was heavier than anything she heard, but the lyrics were so familiar now that it became something comforting. She liked their official page on facebook and listened to all their discography on Spotify. She was scrolling down on their facebook page—so what, they were hot and she liked to see their faces. She liked Ursulla the most, since ‘Cruella’ (her lovely nickname was given to her by pretty much all people in her life) seemed to be a bitch and the blonde, Mal, was also very hot, but seemed more reserved—when she saw their newest picture: the three of them staring at the camera and behind them, there was a very familiar building.

“They are here,” she whispered to herself.

Apparently, Cruella had been expelled from the university two years ago. It was what prompted her to join the band and she decided to visit just because she could. Many things passed through Regina’s mind, but before she could do anything, Ruby approached her.

“That band you’ve been stalking is here.”

She looked at the door exactly when Ursulla, Cruella and Mal got in. The three wore black with sunglasses and the ‘cool’ attitude that attracted looks.

“I hate everything about here,” she heard Cruella speaking. “But this place has the best coffee I ever had.”

Regina tried to not freak out, but she hated herself for not having anything for them to sign. She truly believed the band would be legendary and their signature would be worth a lot very soon. She opened her purse trying to find her small notepad when her phone rang. One thing that is worth mentioning is that Regina’s obsession before the Queens of Darkness was “Latinoamérica” by Calle 13 and she was sure her soulmate was tired of humming the song. She used it as her phone ringtone, so when it rang, it took her some time to find it inside the purse, enough for the for the first phrase to echo and as usual, she hummed it.  
When she finally found it, she made a small ‘aha’ at the same time the caller gave up. Her mother’s name on the screen made her forget the band for a second, until:

“I’m sorry, but was it Latinoamerica?”

Mal was standing near her table. Ursulla and Cruella were watching with crossed arms.

“Yes, it was.” 

Mal smiled.

“I’ve been singing it for days, but I don’t understand Spanish at all and I’ve tried.”

Regina smiled, used to it.

“Spanish can be hard to understand. We speak very fast.”

“Yes.” She sat in front of Regina. “There’s another song and it’s kind of like this, ‘a-dentro’ or something like that.”

“Adentro? Oh, I love that song. Wait.”

She scrolled her Spotify and clicked on “Adentro”. Mal smiled with the introduction, but when she recognized the words, her eyes shone and laughed.

“Yes! Somehow I can sing it, well, some parts. I know some parts, not everything.”

She smiled. “You don’t seem the type that likes Calle 13.”

“My soulmate is, apparently, a fan.”

Regina laughed. “This is funny,” she said and Mal tilted her head. “My soulmate is your fan. They sing every day, well, it seems like every day.”

“Let me guess, you’re sick of us already?”

“No!” She chuckled. “I learned to enjoy it.”

Mal smiled. “I’m glad.”

When Ursulla approached them followed by Cruella, Regina felt that it was the time to ask for an autograph, so she did. Her small notepad now had the three signatures and she hoped it could be worth something someday.

“What are you studying?” asked Ursulla looking at her laptop and books.

“The Latin American Economy,” she declared with a smile.

Cruella made a face. “I hate economy,” she declared.

Ursulla laughed. “Oh dear, we _know_ that.”

They were teasing each other and Regina was quite shipping them, when Mal declared, “I have to learn Spanish.”  
Cruella and Ursulla both looked at her with surprise.

“I do,” she repeated.

Regina laughed. “Si, usted tiene.”

Mal smiled at her and Regina chuckled. She had a crush on Ursulla, but Mal was somehow different than the pictures, more approachable, lighter, with adoration shining in her eyes.

Cruella cleared her throat. “Can you sing?” she asked. “Sing for us.”

Regina laughed nervously. “I don’t sing, I mean, I sing because my soulmate loves to sing, but I’m the worst singer ever. It’s better not.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“It is,” she answered. “Hey, Ruby, tell them I’m the worst singer, ever.”

Ruby nodded. “I already heard worse, but you’re very close to them.”

“Thank you.”

She looked at Cruella as if she had won something, but Cruella didn’t seem convinced. Ursulla looked at Mal.

“Hey, Mal, why don’t you sing something?”

“Why?”

“Just…” She made many different faces that seemed to be a threat. “Do it.”

Regina’s phone rang again and she stared at her mother’s name on the screen, but she truly didn’t want to answer, not in that moment anyway. She ignored the call.

“Not going to answer that?” asked Ursulla.

Regina denied. “It can wait.”

“Yes,” said Cruella. “Mal can sing.”

Regina agreed. “She’s the lead singer, so I guess.”

“She will now sing, right Mal?”

Mal ignored them.

“Can you show me another music you like? I sang a lot of Spanish music these days and I don’t even know who sing them.”

“You asked the right person!”

She spent the rest of the afternoon with Mal showing her music. After some time Mal did the same for her and Regina laughed when she recognized many songs she had sung but had forgotten to search.

“I can’t believe I sang this.”

“Your soulmate likes Slayer, you should be glad.”

“But look at their beards!”

“What? Wait, I have to show you Lamb of God.”

Cruella and Ursulla had disappeared during the afternoon and when Zelena called her screaming about Cora being furious, Regina decided to go home and call her mother.

“I’m sorry, I ruined your study session.”

Regina smiled while packing all her material. “‘Ruined’ is the wrong word to describe this day. Maybe ‘awesome’ would be better.”

Mal got up and walked with her to the door.

“Where is your band?” asked Regina suddenly realizing they were alone.

“They like to spend time together.”

Regina licked her lips.

“Are they...”

“A couple, yes. A conventional couple, no. I don’t know how to describe.”

“I don’t want details, really, ” she sighed. “That means I have no chances with Ursulla.”

Mal actually seemed insulted and Regina laughed.

“We should do this again some day,” said Regina biting her lips. “It was nice.”

Mal agreed, she said nothing else, but they looked at each other and it was so obvious.

“But, if we don’t.” Regina pulled her by the jacket and Mal went easily, the kiss was electrifying and it was over too quickly. “We should do it again, just because—” said Regina before pulling her again, but Mal stopped her.

“Wait, before I get lost completely, I have to know.”

“Know what?” her eyes were hooded, but she stepped back.

“If you are the one singing in Spanish in my head during these past weeks or not.”

Regina was surprised but nodded. “Do you want me to sing?”

“Yes, turn and hum something. I want to see if I’ll hum it too.”

They turned their backs to each other and Regina thought on what to sing.

“Not "Barbie girl",” said Mal still with her back to Regina. “Everything, but Barbie girl.”

Regina laughed and promised.

“ _So let's get covered in flames, and play some games with the smoke, you said ‘don't you try to run right now, 'cause baby I could burn you down._ ”¹⁴

Mal said nothing, but Regina heard the words before singing slowly.

“ _Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run, the door is locked now, but it's open if you're true, if you can understand me, then I can understand you_.”¹⁵ 

Regina turned to Mal.

“I know that song! You sing it at night!”

Mal turned to her with a blinding smile.

“You’re an asshole!” said Regina understanding everything. “Have you any idea how hard you made my life with your singing?! You made sing in front of my future advisor!”

Mal rolled her eyes.

“Do you think that’s bad?! I was with a band I admired when you made me sing Barbie Girl! And why all those jingles?!”

You started it!”

“I started it?!”

“Yes!”

“You started it and I _really_ want to kiss you again!”

“You started and yes, please!”

Regina was sure she was supposed to call Cora immediately, but Mal’s lips were so soft and her body was so warm. She truly didn’t care. She would regret it very soon, but in that moment, she was perfectly glad to be lost in her soulmate’s arms.

**Author's Note:**

> ¹- "512" - Lamb of God
> 
> ² - "Bad girls" - MIA
> 
> ³ - Madonna
> 
> ⁴ - "Closer" - Nine inch nails
> 
> ⁵ - guttural vocals
> 
> ⁶ - "Shook me all night long' - ACDC
> 
> ⁷ - "Barbie Girl" - Aqua
> 
> ⁸ - "True Love" - P!nk
> 
> ⁹ - "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" - Disney
> 
> ¹¹ - "Single Ladies" - Beyonce
> 
> ¹² - "(Wǒ de hǎo māma) My Dear Mother"
> 
> ¹³ - "Carolina" - Seu Jorge
> 
> ¹⁴ - "Smoke" - PVRIS
> 
> ¹⁵ - "The Unforgiving II" - Metallica


End file.
